2017-04-19, 6:56 a.m.
So I've been writing out the reasons why, trying to better understand the motives behind my infidelity. I'm not done writing yet, but I decided to let Tim read what I had so far. I was terrified of him reading it. I didn't want him to find out how long into our relationship I still had feelings for Charlie or reading some of the hateful things I said about how I blame him for our money problems. After reading, Tim said he had one question for me. Just one, after all that he had read. He wanted to know how many times I had sex with Ryan. He thought it was just one time but I made it seem in this recent writing that it happened multiple times. Still, in all that we have been through, while I'm trying to figure out why all of this happened, he's still hung up on what happened.

So I decided to read back in this journal again to find out for sure how many times. There's still not details of the affair. I feel like it was cheating the first time I kissed him. Or when I spent all night texting him. Or when I would talk all night in his car when I should have been home with Tim. What I found out by reading back in this journal was how stressed out I was. That seems to be a common theme. I was stressed about money. Imagine that. I was working 4 jobs! There were two real jobs but we were paying down rent by working at the clubhouse and I think I counted photography as a job too since I was doing more weddings. Also, Tim was busy getting arrested all the time when I was busy looking for attention from other guys. So the why is becoming apparently clear to me.

But if he wants to know the what, here it is. I didn't feel it necessary to give him details like this because it would just hurt him. Does he need to know that I gave Ryan a blowjob on Tim's birthday before we all met up to go out to a movie? It's details like that that I kept from Tim because it's just hurtful and mean. I think I had sex with him twice. The first time was so terrible. I was holding back tears the whole time. But afterwards, I felt like the damage was already done. I had already cheated so what's the harm in actually enjoying sex with another man? I definitely didn't get to enjoy it the first time. If I'm going to do something so terrible that could ruin my relationship, wouldn't I want to actually get something out of it? So I think the answer is twice. I had sexual intercourse, penis in vagina, twice with Ryan. I believe I gave him a blowjob twice. The affair lasted a couple months. It's not really clear on exactly when it began. I believe it began sometime in October 2009. By the time Tim was in jail during Thanksgiving, Ryan and I were fighting. I don't think anything else happened except that I kept getting hurt. He wasn't completely out of my life until January when he stopped working at CAC. So if you're hung up on the tiny details of what I did to hurt you, just ask me for more details and we can end this thing real quick. ***Edit - I wrote 2009, but meant 2008. This happened 9 years ago, so the details are fuzzy.

The What and the Why

that was then - this is now