2017-07-19, 2:17 a.m.
I can't sleep right now. I had to clean up dog shit when putting Drake to bed and now I'm wide awake thinking about everything. Mostly I'm thinking about the couples therapy session from earlier today. Every time I think everything is going fine I get blindsided in therapy. I've been so busy working on myself lately that I haven't been working on us. But I am trying to work on myself for us. I thought feeling better about myself would be beneficial to our relationship. I failed to notice that you were not feeling good about yourself. The main goal of our vacation was to relax. I didn't see spending quality time alone together as one of the goals. If it was, it shouldn't have been a family vacation. But we did spend a lot of time together as a family. I was really proud of myself for not smoking while we were on vacation. I had it with me in case I wanted it. But I felt like that would have taken me away from there family time. The point is that I didn't need it. I use weed to self medicate because of stress. I want stressed out on our vacation. So there goal of relaxing on vacation was achieved without the use of drugs. Of course, I wanted to get high as soon as we got back and I had to face the reality of paying bills and dealing with all of the bullshit of our daily lives.

I feel bad that you feel so bad about yourself. I wonder if your lack of self confidence is because I cheated on you. This is my fault. You are seeing now that people use you and walk all over you but I've always known that you have shitty friends. Are you only seeing this now because I hurt you the most by using you and walking all over you when I cheated on you? I get annoyed in therapy when we talk about validating your emotions. I don't know what that means. I'm not an emotional person (obviously), and I was raised to kind of suck it up when your feelings get hurt because shit happens and only you can control the way you feel about things. I feel like I've been dealing with my own emotional issues in my own these past few years and I don't know what you need from me. I want to tell you to suck it up and grow some thicker skin because I do not intended to hurt you with my words. Things just come out wrong and seem harsh but it's just because I'm not feeling well or I'm dealing with something unrelated. It's not all about you. But telling you to just get over it is just going to come out harsh and hurt you again and we are right back where we started with your feelings getting hurt. I'm stuck. I don't know what you want to hear. I can shower you with compliments but if you don't feel good about yourself, you aren't going to hear it or believe the sincerity of it. You can tell me all day that I look good. I still feel fat and ugly and I wish I could fix it. So I'm starving myself and I'm going to break my ankle trying to walk off this fat. I can't make you feel better about yourself when I don't feel good about me.


that was then - this is now